Earlier this month I started sharing my latest draft of my book with a small circle of friends and family to get some feedback. My wife has read it, but I wanted input from others.
My mom was very interested to hear my story. She got my sister, Pia, and my brother, Roger, onto a call together, so that I could tell them all about it. It took me an hour. They listened very attentively, and very appreciatively. I think they liked it, but my mom would love anything I did, and my brother and sister are just impressed with the idea that I’m writing a book.
Then I got a fortuitous text from an old friend, Andy Anderson, who has actually done some writing. He agreed to take a look, so I sent him an outline of the full story and the six chapters that I’ve written. I warned him that chapters one and three are the only ones that are really complete, and asked him for feedback on some key questions. Here are his responses:
Does the plot seem compelling?
“Yes, the plot is absolutely compelling and a page-turner! Your setup in the forward and the first chapter grabbed me immediately. I felt like you were channeling Dan Brown.”
Is the pace and flow of the book appropriate for a thriller?
“Yes, you have included both tension and danger. You’ve created empathy for the protagonist in the prologue, so the danger that develops in the first chapter is felt as personal by me. I’m rooting for you to figure it out and get out alive.”
How are my descriptions of the key characters introduced so far?
“The character development could use some attention, but it’s too early in the writing process to judge that. I see Vasili and Nico pretty clearly so far. The two heroes are less developed at this stage. They feel like outlines of characters, although I’m expecting them to emerge more fully colored in as the story develops. I like the descriptions of the twin sisters and their contrasting relationship to one another as supporting characters.” [Note: the sisters got dropped from the book in a later revision.]
Do you want to turn the page?
“Yes, it’s a page-turner. If you can maintain the pace of the first few chapters, you are golden.”
Is my structure distracting? I cut away from the action in chapter one to a completely different subject in chapter two and then return to the action in chapter three. Does breaking the fourth wall work for you?
“I do like the alternating structure. Steinbeck did this, and I liked it. I feel like you’re talking to me directly and personally revealing some added color and historical perspective. See my annotations for more detail. I would continue this as needed to explain background, but not necessarily every other chapter.”
Most importantly, what is your opinion on the voice I’m using?
“Of all the voices you’ve told me you’ve tried, I like the one you settled on the best. I’m guessing you’d label it as first-person past tense. It’s like telling the story afterward to a friend. I have tried different voices myself and often without a good result, and I think the one you’ve chosen is the best. First-person gives it an immediacy and makes it more personal, whereas first-person present tense can feel forced.”
Then, within the body of my manuscript, Andy pointed out some areas that needed work.
“I love the introduction so far. You’re honest, self-deprecating, and vulnerable, all of which makes you endearing. I like the style of talking to the reader and hearing what you’re thinking, but here in this next paragraph, you start talking about ‘sprinkling the narrative with phrases’ and it takes me away from the tension you’re building. For me, you become the writer instead of the narrator, and it takes me away from the action.”
He had a similar critique of chapters two and four, where I used a lot of filler words and phrases like “in the telling” and “as I tell the story” that he thought were unnecessary. He recommended that I remove these phrases so that it seems more like I’m talking to the reader and not like I’m talking reflectively about myself as the writer.
He summarized:
“You’ve got a great story concept and a good start at telling it. Your unique and compelling storytelling ability is evident from the start. I enjoy your writing style. It’s staccato when it needs to be to add tension, and a fast enough pace to keep me hooked. Keep it going and I think you’ll have a winner!”
I was glad to get this feedback.
Michael
